[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.