I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.