Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Happy Taco Tuesday
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime