#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn鈥檛 you
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don鈥檛 do that anymore.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I can鈥檛 tell you how many times I鈥檝e opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
袗bsolutely crazy to th褨nk that Leonardo D褨capr褨o鈥檚 future g褨rlfr褨end 褨s currently nervous for her f褨rst day of k褨ndergarten
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My what?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It鈥檚 by me, if you see it.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I wouldn鈥檛 say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Wordle 241 1/6
馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”