Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.