philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
LA today:
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle