When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee