I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Every house has this drawer
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?