How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
You Might Also Like
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?