I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.