Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”