“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My nickname in high school was “who?”
The internet is full of many things
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.