Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Harsh but fair
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
anyone else like Italian cereal
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this