Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Erm…
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.