“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE