Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
You Might Also Like
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Worth the read.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively