[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]