Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
crazy
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.