Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.