I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.