Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Who does Amazon think I am?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special