Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Clients after you give them your rates
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too