A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
In space, no one can hear…
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Well, that didn’t work.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I