Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.