How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
#oldknees