I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
*gets down on one knee*
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Lmao
couldn’t resist
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.