[shakes fist at other fist]
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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
wow
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.