My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
brian had himself a morning…
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
😲 WTF? 😆
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying