12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.