(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix