Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”