[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.