My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]