Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
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*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Just as the prophecy foretold
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults