If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
haha same
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Mistakes were made
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.