If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
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I have questions??
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating