i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT