why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.