[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.