Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.