My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
You Might Also Like
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”