it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.