Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
same energy
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*