Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Every. Damn. Time.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.