A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
britain’s three elite institutions
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao