Beware of the “party goblin”…
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
i want to work in this restaurant
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well