me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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Oops
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.