I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person