Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.