You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ACED my prostate exam!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Passwords are more important than ever.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.